A statement

I wrote this statement in the summer of this year, whilst chatting to one of my friends online. We were having a very in-depth conversation after a bottle of wine or two. I kept meaning to post it on here, I just never remembered or thought it was the right time to. Now, for some reason I feel I want to share it with you all.....

"Sex is a connection, an action, a weapon, a release and a coming together of two souls……its a way to find comfort which no other action can do" Quote, Gwen Bregazzi (20/07/2011)

R.I.P Jayne

Well, this is the first post I have written in a while, I suppose I havent had the time; an excuse I know isn't valid as I should make the time. The leaves have mostly fallen from the trees, the nights are becoming longer, the cold is setting in, and winters frosty fingers are slowly laying an icy grip on the world. Autumn is becoming winter.

But sadly this is not the reason I am writing this post. I am writing this post for a memory, a celebration and a sad farewell. I wrote a post a month ago when I found out the sad news a very lovely lady I have known for quite some time was suffering from terminal lung cancer. They said nothing could be done for her due to the severity of it, and they could only do all they could to keep her comfortable.

But sadly today, I received the news that she had passed away yesterday, surrounded by her family. I had a text message telling me this, as my friend couldn't face to talk to me as she knew the tears would be too much to talk though. I felt numb when I read it as I didn't think she would pass so quickly, and the news was so sudden I couldn't take it in. It didn't sink in and hasn't yet really, as I dont want to accept it I suppose.

I am writing this as I sit alone in my bed, with only my thoughts to keep me company through the night, and felt I had to express some feeling or emotion. As I know, when it does sink in, and it does hit me, a waterfall of tears and emotion will start and I know I wont be able to stop.

But until that happens, I want to say rest in sweet peace Jayne, the pain will be no more as you finally lay your eyes to rest. Your memory will live on and you will never be forgotten.

Sleep well xx

Favourite Lyrics

This is the best piece from a song I have ever found, and is from my favourite artist at the moment. It just personifies all my feelings at the moment, and just makes sense. And the funny thing is, probably about 5 years ago I happened to find a perfect heart shaped pebble on a beach, and have been carrying it with me for years and have always wanted to make it into a necklace! So here it is.....


"So I take you to the beach, and walk along the sand,

And I'll make you a heart pendant, with a pebble in my hand.

And I'll carve it like a necklace, so the heart falls where your chest is,

And now a piece of me, is a piece of the beach, and it falls just where it needs to be, and rests peacefully.

You just need to breathe, to feel my heart against yours now, against yours now."

Ed Sheeran "Wake Me Up"

My two girls

My two little girls were extremely comfy on my bed today, and snuggled up next to each other. How cute :-)

You

You found me, saved me, held me in your arms, made me feel beautiful and brought me back to life. I don't need a life jacket or parachute, as I already know you will catch me if I fall....

Sky was on fire

So, now the sun is rising later and later, my train rides to work are mostly in darkness. Today though I noticed a slight lightness in the sky toward the horizon. As we got closer to Dawlish, and the sea opened up, the sky was on fire. But oddly only a line of fire, as there was a gap in the cloud on the horizon. The colour seemed more intense than normal, but maybe that's because there was only a small line that had opened up in the cloud cover. I managed to take a photo from the bridge over the railway, to capture the moment, and it turned out quite well :-)

Surfing!

So guess what, after living in Cornwall for my childhood, and living in Devon for the rest, and at the grand old age of 28 I finally went surfing yesterday!

Ollie suggested we went out to North Devon, as he knew the surf was fantastic and he managed to get the day off work. So we headed out early and was at Croyde by midday. He wanted to surf the reef first, so I followed him along the cliffs and rocks with my camera and telephoto lens. I sat/stood on spiky and very uncomfortable rocks for the best part of two hours, taking lots of photos of the waves, surfers and of course my man surfing. He eventually came out and we walked back to the van to get some food and get me ready to hit the waves. I was so excited, after seeing him surf and all the surfers in the water.

After some refreshments, we packed the van up and headed round the corner to Saunton Sands where the surf was better for me to start with. I got in my wetsuit and we headed out to the sea. I wasn't so much nervous, just cautious about how cold the sea would be! Being mid October, and knowing how much of a wimp I am, I was fearing the worst. Yet I started to walk in and I was pleasantly surprised at how warm it was. Okay, okay, so not bath temperature, but in a full wetsuit it was absolutely lovely!

So we walked out to chest high water, and I got on the board and practiced paddling. Man was that hard, the hardest part of it all together. I got used to smashing over the waves as I waited for a good wave. Ollie told me to start paddling and I was off on my first wave. I was shooting across the water to the shore line. That done, the next stage was to catch a wave then kneel up. I got myself ready and caught a wave and got myself on my knees fairy quickly, and easily to. The next wave was to kneel up with one leg but stand up with the other. I was off on the wave and did that without an issue. It felt great, even before I stood up.

Ollie then took the board to show me the push up to standing up as he caught a wave next to me. Hmmm, yeah right, just like that, easy peasy! I certainly wasn't as confident about that as the other stages. Yet I got myself ready to catch a wave and I was off. Seconds later I had nose dived into the wave and was sucking up the ocean. Fantastic, my first experience of crashing out of a wave. I surfaced laughing my ass off and grinning like an insane person. Ha, on to the next wave. I needed to line myself up better on the board and put my hands further down the board toward me so I didn't push the top of the board into the water. I got that even before Ollie said it. So I was off again on another wave, and this time it felt right, I was comfortable to push up and swing my legs through to stand up when I realized a sea kayak was heading straight for me, so I had to bottle it before I attempted to stand up as I would have gone straight into him. Arse, I thought as I surfaced again, it was perfect, and felt perfect, and fairly sure I would have been on my feet.

Right onto the next few waves, and I very nearly got on my feet, but alas they were not quite right. So Ollie took the board out into the big waves to catch a wave back in. I was determined to stand up, even for a few seconds. So when he returned I got myself on the board and prepared for my best surf of the day. I set myself up on my own this time, picked my wave and started paddling...I was off, line perfect, I pushed up, swang my legs through, a bit messily but still, and I was stood up, both feet, hurrah I thought as I fell into the surf. I came up elated as I knew I had done what I wanted, my first surf lesson and had stood on the board and surfed. Whoop! Go me.

After we had changed back in the van, I felt that unbelievable feeling you get post-surf. A warm, exhausted yet contented feeling that is hard to put into words. And even today, after an amazingly fantastic sleep, I feel refreshed and alive again.

Although we are heading into winter, I knew I wanted to carry on surfing. Last night Ollie said to me "you shall have to look into getting a winter suit". So yeah, onto the winter months of surfing....can't wait!

Here's a photo of the surf I was in at Saunton Sands....

Amazing light over Dawlish at sunset today

Even seasons change

So, we are on the verge of autumn, and we have to sadly say goodbye to the summer we never really had. There is something about the change from season to season that gets my mind racing and makes me remember things; some make me smile and some nasty memories make me shed tears and make me hurt in a way I can only begin to describe. I suppose moving back to the city where so much stuff happened doesn't help! But I want to be back here, in our new lovely house with my best friend, cats and all my beautiful friends. And having the most sociable house in Exeter is an amazing feeling!

My dreams at the moment are crazy freaky. A single reflection of the state of my overloaded mind I suppose. Like I said, it's not all bad things, just a variety of things. But sometimes its hard not to think of things. And when you are reminded of some major things in your life that were utterly horrific, of course it's going to affect you.

Sleep for me arrives in either long or short as well. I either sleep for 14 hours or sleep for a few.

But hey, things are changing for the better and I have lots of amazing things to look forward to. So it's good the seasons are changing, as finally for me, it's a good happy change! :-)

Ghostly figures

So I'm on the train from Exeter to Dawlish, which passes the coast and estuary. The sun is rising later and later. Today, I have just come up to Starcross, and it's still dark. Yet in the hazy light of sunrise, the Egrets are standing on the mud banks, like ghostly figures. Bright white shapes against the dark, shiny sands. The bright orange sky is being reflected in the iridescent dark sand banks. A beautiful sight to see as the world wakes up.

The Pine Forest

To enjoy the totally astonishing weather we had the first weekend in October, the new man in my life suggested we make the most of it. I had been partying hard both Friday and Saturday nights, and after a lie-in, he suggested we get out and enjoy this amazing weather. Now, if it wasn't for him, I am sure I could have stayed in bed all weekend and missed probably one of the best weekends I have had this year! And if you are reading this Ollie, thanks for getting my lazy ass out of bed and giving me back, or more to the point, making me remember my love for the world and nature!

Saturday 01/10/11

After waking early, and seeing the amazingly blue sky from my window, hearing the birds singing their amazing song, we decided a trip out for the afternoon in the van was in need. So we got ourselves ready, and were on the road before 1pm. We stopped off in Sainsbury's to get some picnic food, and we were Dartmoor bound. After a stop off in a local pub for a cheeky pint of an amazing pint of ale, we eventually settled at a fairly quiet spot in the middle of Dartmoor, by Hound Tor. Ollie reversed the van in, opened the back and we had an awesome, dreamlike view of the moor from the comfort of the back sofa of the van. We got the food out and lounged in the sun and ate olives, fresh crunchy bread, cheese, red onion chutney and marinated anchovies (pure and unadulterated heaven in my eyes). There were a few people around us, but mostly we could hear the rumble of the cattle grid as cars went across it, and the cows moo-ing around us. A few hours later and the sun began to set. Now, watching the sun set, in the middle of Dartmoor, laying in the arms of someone special is just, well darn frinking amazingly awesome if you ask me! It was one of those moments you wish could go on forever....an endless moment in time. But sadly, the sun set and we had to make our move back to Exeter for the next party we had planned. So off we went, amazingly happy after the afternoon we had spent, and in awe of the world around us.

Sunday 02/10/11

I awoke on Sunday morning, pounding in my head from too much excess from the end of summer dance rave the night before. Yet, I looked to my right, and saw a rather beautiful person beside me, slowly awakening from sleep. I was grabbed in an amazingly warm and embracing cuddle, and I smiled. A few hours of dozing later, and we were ready to hit the road again to enjoy the last day of summer sunshine and heat. We stopped to get the same food as the day before, and were off on the shorter journey to Haldon Forest Park, a short ride out of Exeter. It was super busy, with kids, cyclists, families and dogs, but we walked around the forest park, breathing in the fresh air and basking in the sun. We found a secret path through the middle of the pine forest, and the atmosphere was shockingly different. It was proper thick pine trees, so the air was dead and still, it was dark and had an eerie feel about it. But somehow magically beautiful. We stopped in the middle of the thickest part to have a cuddle and kiss, in the quiet, while the families and dogs rushed around the forest (Now if this was in a movie, the couple would share a tender kiss, the camera would zoom out, showing the forest in the middle and the people rushing around the outside). We carried on and reached the money shot, the amazing views over Exeter and the river (see photo below).

My amazingly perfect weekend ended, yet it was just super awesome. Getting out onto the world I love, in the arms of someone special, breathing in the air and seeing the world in it's most beautiful state.

Bad news day :-(

Well today I had some seriously bad news, that's affected me more than I thought it would. I heard today that an amazing woman I used to work with, had news her cancer had returned. She had breast cancer but after therapy she wad given the all clear, a few years ago. But now it's spread to her lungs, and she's in hospital now. I got told this at work, and as I have had a busy day it didn't really sink in. Now I'm on my own, on the train to Exeter for the night, I suddenly feel like crying. It just suddenly hit me that such a lovely, happy, cheerful lady will now have to battle stage 2 lung cancer.

I'm looking out the train window as the world zooms by. Rain drops across the window, a dark dull world is outside. And I feel so sad, so very sad for her.

I send you my love, hugs and support Jayne xx

My safest place to hide

Sat at my safest place to hide, after a busy day at work. I stare out into the ocean, and watch the cormorants as they duck and dive in the sea. The tiny waves are crashing on the shore line, the emptiness sat behind it. The sky is amazing tonight, almost looks like a painting. Dusk is nearly upon us, another day done.

The most magical time of day

Walking to work at 6:30 am yesterday was a shock to the system. It wasn't the time, as I am used to early mornings, but it was so cold! Yesterday morning certainly had the first Autumn twang to the air and that sudden fear that Autumn was indeed on the doorstep and we will sadly have to say goodbye to summer. It was cold enough for a coat, it has that earthy, fresh smell to the air, there was dew on the grass and I could see my breath as I stomped to work. This, mixed with the slight changes to the leaves on the trees, started to evoke a feel of the autumn days to come. Cool crisp mornings, dark cool evenings, winds and rain, autumns graceful golden show, piles of leaves, boots and coats. But even when winter grasps us with it's cold fingers, and lays its deadly vail over the world, my early morning walks to work will be the most magical time of the day.

My lunchtime break view....

Sat in the late summer sun, on Dawlish beach, nothing to do for an hour but soak up some rays, and stare out to sea :-)

I don't know why but the sea has this magical power to clear out my head, sooth my soul, and relax me. Sitting on the sea wall in Dawlish, it's high tide. The sea is making that unmistakable dull booming noise, as it pounds against the sea wall. The waves are lashing upwards, so you get this wall of water come straight in front of you.

As the sun sadly sets, there is this magical light on the horizon. A misty, almost purple colour, that meets the blue sea and light blue sky. I could quite happily stare out to sea for hours and hours. There is something about the barren expanse of sea that draws me and captures my soul.

Box of souvenirs

As we travel through life on our individual paths, we collect millions of images in our mind; photos taken with each blink of an eye and pictures drawn from our feelings and thoughts. These images are an ever growing collection of memories that will last a life time, some make us laugh and some make us cry and some are images of lost and forgotten people and items in our lives. These don't physically exist, yet they live in our minds, our secret scrapbook of the best bits that no one else knows, a growing box of memories, of souvenirs, that will live in our minds forever.

They say possessions are meaningless, and maybe this is true. As the most important memories, objects, items, pictures, faces and people live in us, deep in the depths of our souls. Sometimes you can remember certain images, maybe the most poignant and significant to you, but others seems to pop up almost sporadically and out of nowhere. To me, especially memories from childhood, appear when I smell certain smells that transport me back to a certain time in my life. Like pine cones and the smell of pine trees; as this transports me back to numerous camping holidays spent with family as a child. I shut my eyes and I can smell the pine trees, feel the plastic groundsheet under my feet, smell the gas cooker and feel the warm air of France and Spain. 

I hope your own secret box of memories, your box of souvenirs, keeps you as happy and smiling as mine does to me, as apart from true friendships, its one of the only thing that will stay in your life. You can access it at any time, and smile, feel and replay your own life. Try it, it might make you smile :-) 

For we are all simply just a box of souvenirs...

Halloumi with smoky butter bean and Tabbouleh salad

So I decided this week to start experimenting with food again, as I now have the means to cook food again! I also want to start cutting bread out of my diet, as I felt I was eating too much. Being a vegetarian this means eating more protein rich foods like pulses and grains, and also more dairy. The salad I made today looked so good I thought I would take a photo and add recipes to this blog. So here is the first entry of my cooking and recipes; Halloumi with smoky butter bean and Tabbouleh salad.

Ingredients;
A Few handfulls of Salad leaves
5 Cherry Tomatos
Half a small Red Onion
1 Spring Onion
A small can of Butter Beans
Slices of Halloumi
Bulgar Wheat
Smoked Paprika
Dressing: Olive Oil, White Wine Vinegar, Garlic, S&P
Sprinkling of Chilli Flakes

Basically cut all the ingredients how you like! I sliced the onion, spring onion and chopped tomatoes in half. Then I made the dressing and let it stand. Make the bulgar wheat as per the instructions on the packet, which normally is to pour boiling water over the grains and let it stand for 20 mins.

Once all this was done, I layered the leaves on a plate and arranged the tomatoes in the leaves. I drained the bulgar wheat then added the onion and spring onion, mixed, then put on top of the salad leaves and tomatoes. I lightly fried the butter beans until soft and sprinkled smoked paprika over as they were cooking.  Once done I put these over the salad and tabbouleh on the plate. Then in the same pan I lightly fried the halloumi cheese until golden brown and soft. I poured the dressing over the salad and then layered the cheese on top of all the ingredients. A sprinkle of chilli flakes and salt and pepper and your done!

Copyright G.Bregazzi

A New Year and a New Me!

I know I am a bit late in the whole "New Year Blog Post", but hey, it's still early in the year anyway!!

Well it's a new year and what feels to be a new me. When I shouted out the 10 second countdown to 2011 I felt alive with adrenaline as I knew in 10 seconds I could shout Happy New Year and 2010 would finally be last year. I shouted out those last precious ten seconds, arms up in the air, dancing around, when finally the countdown was over and I screamed HAPPY NEW YEAR. Balloons and glittery sprinkles fell from the celling, and as I lunged at my friend to give her a massive hug, party poppers were firing all over the place. I smiled with glee as I knew I had done it, I had survived the worst, most hideous year of my life...and had come out of it smiling. Something has changed in me since 2011 started. I know its the biggest clique ever, but I feel now that 2010 is finally behind me I can start again. The biggest impulse is that I am now well and fit enough to start again, as I am basically back to 100% with no lasting effects of my head injury, except the hearing in my left ear which will never return. But I feel alive again and ready to not only reach for those dreams that glitter, but grab them and make them come alive.

I know I am lucky to even be here and that I didn't suffer from any brain damage; maybe there was a reason for that, maybe not. Either way, I know I can't waste any day, I need to work for what I want, as life is too short and I am not getting any younger after all. So here goes, this is the return of Gwen, who I should be and the life I should live! Watch this space!